Slightly-biased Manly Goliath Rant

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I am Goliath. I rant because I can. (actually because my wife whose blog this is lets me.)  She wrote that. But from here on out. No censorship. NONE. except my wife. She can censor me. 

I should censor you. I don't approve of any of this. She is scary. <_<

Definition of "slightly-biased":  I am married.  I am a man.  My wife is the hockey fan. Yup. I was only recently introduced to hockey. I grew up in the tropics.  With no access to ice.  I can kind of skate (which I actually love to do).  Trivia: My first experience with ice was in Hawaii.  Did I mention hockey is expensive and time-consuming? And awesome.

Another preface. Regardless of any questionable comments and opinions I have about hockey (and hockey players in general) or whatever I post....I do love my wife.  I hope she still loves me after this. *crossing my fingers*

ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: I will not be held responsible for any feuds between siblings, cats and dogs, father and sons, spouses, partners, whatevers as a result of my rantings.  I put up with a lot.  So can you. Shut up and just go to the hockey game. BE A MAN. I do it.  You can too.

And another disclaimer:  My English is not the best. My French is worse.

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09/02/2011:  But at least it got me to post again for the first time in four months.  Where was I? I was changing jobs and getting used to new company and working on my hockey skills.  So the next french guy I see on the ice? Yeah, no more french guy.  *head desk*  As adorable as you are my protective wonderful goliath-man....be reasonable.   Reason has nothing to do with it.  Then?  Fine I like the french...rugby team.  I like the french rugby team.  And that's it.  OH YEAH, the Rugby World Cup starts on the ninth...first match in New Zealand...and guess what?  Both France and Canada are in the same pool as Tonga and New Zealand.  And my prediction is that New Zealand will spank us all. You are such an All-Black.  .....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.   What?  HAHAHAHAHAHA. I just thought of something absolutely delicious.  Me?  No.  What? No.  Not you. What? What was that maniacal laugh for then? I distinctly recall you harassing me all through the Stanley Cup Playoffs.  Don't.  Yes. No.  Yes.  No.  Yes. Hell no.  I am buying a France jersey.   They won't win the World Cup.  I said that about the Bruins.  So that jersey won't retain any value at all.  Look at you getting all pale quite suddenly.  No, I'm not concerned. Because you have a bad habit of getting the jersey of the guy who suddenly has bad luck. You are unlucky. You are an unlucky jersey owner.  So go ahead. Buy France.  BUY THE WHOLE TEAM.  That's only with game worn jerseys. For example, I had Simon's jersey MADE.  If I just buy one off of a website, no harm.  And look at how magnificent my Simon was.   But he still left us for Europe...and you cried all day.  So maybe you'll buy France's jersey and they'll all get on a plane and magically fly back to France and I'LL get to comfort you when you go boohoo.  Because let's face it...I'm the only one who gets to.  Take that France.

09/02/2011:  I never trusted the french.  Thank you, random dude who stole my photograph. Now I'll never get Goliath to move to Quebec.  When I find you... I shall almost certainly throw something at you.  Yep. Of all the photographs you've taken, the first real theft is from your favourite province and it's of MAX. This is awesome.  Shut up.

05/30/2011:  By the way, I am still not healed from that injury a while ago.  No one ever got better at hockey by bitching about month old injuries.  Why does that sound familiar?  More practice for you.

05/30/2011:  Uh. It has nothing to do with me playing hockey. There's just nothing to talk about. Except the playoffs.  Which is, by the way, hockey-related.  Why are they still playing hockey? It's almost summer. Can they just win already?  Somebody win the damn finals so we can all move on.  Let's go BBQ something and strap the canoe to the car.  Sounds good, but I get to put a hockey sticker on the car.

05/30/2011:  Hahaha...you have nothing bad to say about hockey now...now that you are learning to play it yourself, huh?  One wholllleee month...and not a peep out of mean old hockey-hating Goliath. 

05/01/2011: First day of a whole new month without hockey.  YAY.  That's it? I am trying to stay alive in this video game. What do you want?

04/26/2011:   I'm still recovering. Shoulder. Knee. Injury.  That ice is really hard and I recommend you wear pads.  Yeah.  I didn't have shoulder pads on so of course that's where I landed.  not laughing. No, of course, not...only evil heartless cold cruel unfeeling wives would find this absolutely hilarious. 

04/15/2011:  Hockey broke my wife's camera lens.  And she cried all the way home. Wouldn't cry in front of the boys, of course, but she cried all the way home.  One in a hundred or so chance for it to come through the hole in the glass like that. She kept asking all the boys "Who took that shot? Who was that?" I don't know whether she wanted to find the one responsible so she could punch him or shake his hand.  Knowing her? Probably both.

04/13/2011:  I played hockey today. On the ice. It was good but it was a lot harder than it seemed, especially for someone who didn't grow up around the ice or skating.  The hardest thing for me is just getting the whole skating technique down.  But it is really fun.  I've got a little kid skating around trying to help me to skate backwards and I'm like "I'm trying!" and then I actually moved a few inches. But it was backward. So. Yay!!!  Yes. But I really have to work on that.  But hey! I had three shots on goal.  That resulted in belly flops on the ice.  But I nearly made them anyway and....and...it was fun.  I am so...so glad this moment has been recorded on this blog. 

04/12/2011:  ....You actually signed up for hockey?  Naturally, what else will you blog about during the summer?  Some sexy man has to be skating around for you or you'd be out of a job. Wanna watch my pecs dance?  

04/09/2011:  Last night was great, it was good to hear that the guys won...and that Simon almost scored. ALMOST.  Hey now he did score. Not at the end. Yes, but he stayed focused after that and passed to Marcus who did score at the end. Yeah, it was good that someone did though. And oh yeah...Reber rocks! Yes he does. Who scored again? Simon, Hugo, Matt R., and Marcus...in that order.  Oh yeah, Hugo. And of course Marcus always rocks.  It was a good night....even if you and "Massachussetts" did the irritating girly bouncing-off-of-the-walls victory dance via skype for hours afterward.   You might as well have invited unicorns over for a sleepover to make floral arrangements for the international pony fund...the estrogen....the levels of estrogen afterwards...it was disgusting.  If unicorns wore Grizzly jerseys there'd have been unicorns.  Especially if the jerseys are auctioned afterwards for the International Pony Fund. Hahahaha...did your eye just twitch right now? Yes. 


04/09/2011:  I am not letting you post that. What? What you just told me. I am not posting that to the internet.  So you want me to post a cleaned up version of I-love-my-wife?  Yes, because the dirty things that just came out of your mouth not five seconds ago as sexy as they are are not going to be shared here. Bad goliath.  And will you at least try to make your hockey-related blog page actually hockey-related.  Uh.  Hockey is hockey. What more can I say? There is only one thing you can say about hockey after a while which is that hockey is sport that can be played.  My head. You just made my headache worse with that. I know how to make it better.  Okay, I'm going go go make something to eat. Don't you dare chase me.

04/08/2011:  Why did the hockey player cross the road? Oh no.  Come on. Why did the hockey player cross the road? Okay fine. I don't know. I don't give a puck.   *sigh* That was horrible.

04/07/2011: Playoffs are over...YAY! No they aren't! Oh...I thought they were, but anyhow...the boys have been doing really well...everything seems to be returning to "normal." Normal? Simon seems to be returning to his normal self.  Hahahaha...do you mean what I think you mean? Always complaining to the referee. He's the Captain...it's his job.  He's also Simon. That's true. And it was his birthday yesterday, and I suppose he can be himself on his birthday.  Except he was clean shaven, and that is out of character for him so maybe he is still trying to be a "good guy" now.  As if.  Though I don't think Garet Hunt of the Stockton Thunder thought he was being a good guy.  Hunt fell down. Simon pushed him.  ..... Are you saying it was an accidental push? I was there.  Hello. Me. Photographer. I saw it too. And come on, this is Hunt....it's not like he's a real "good guy" either.  Simon was just bending over and asking him if he was alright.  Yeah...Simon was saying "Do you need any *&(*%( help ya *@Y*&T@." Yup. (Though don't tell Simon, but Hunt is my favourite guy on Stockton.)  Oh yeah? I almost agree with you because Hunt is my second favourite guy on Stockton...Constant is my favourite. You did make that clear by screaming "Except Constant!" anytime the crowd chanted "...and they still suck!" but don't tell Simon.  Nope.  No strokes from the horror of your betrayal for our Captain during his birthday week...especially after you brought him a cupcake.

OH YEAH...and I did my good deed for the day taking photographs of all the drawings you've done.  It was getting dark. The lighting was bad indoor. There were so....many...drawings. And I had just got off of work and I was tired. Thank you, sexy, for doing that for me.  The things I do for my wife.  You are the best. I am and don't you forget it you two-timing captain-betrayer.

04/02/2011: The boys won and it's not April Fools Day.  JP was really good...I must note that I am currently being censored and you promised not to censor me.  Don't be mean. I am not mean. I am trying to be uncensored. It was a good game, we won, but even so I found myself cheering for the other team.  When it comes down to it, it's nothing personal, it's just that there's always some guy on the other team I end up cheering for...which isn't bad, isn't the deal that I like hockey?  I like hockey. I just like hockey when it's the other team.  Yes, I am glad you like hockey...but I also know that you  also do this just to annoy me. It's not the only reason, I know, but admit it...you enjoy provoking me. What? Okay that IS true...you and your little fists...it amuses me...but let me clarify myself. I do like our team, but I like the opposing team too.  So when I cheer I don't just cheer for our team I cheer for whoever is playing well. That's fine. I respect that. I feel the same way, but...  Did I mention that I like JP? He is really good. You are obsessed with goalies.  Well generally, yes, but JP I really like.  He's the kind of goalie I would be if I was a goalie.   HAHAHAHAHAHA. What? I would. I would be awesome like him. I am awesome like him. Just not white. And short. And with a French name.  And just what was that laugh for anyway?

04/01/2011:  We won!!!....April Fools!!! I'm divorcing you. What? April Fools.

3/24/2011: Oh yeah. I do. I do like hockey. What happened today that was hockey-related?  We didn't do anything hockey-related. Why did you start off with "I do like hockey"?  Nothing was really hockey today! So I guess it was a good hockey day! ...go to sleep, handsome,...you aren't making any sense. The best hockey days are the days in which there is no hockey. Go. Sleep. Oh and I learned some new French words today and French people play hockey. So I am doing the hockey community a favor by learning French.  I learned how to say "get out of my way" and "shut up" and "rugby is great".  I mean hockey.  ....seriously. I'm going to bed now.  How do you say good night in French? Why is it you and the professor always get into the swear words and never learn anything like how to say good night? Because that is the only way for me to connect with the professor...we swear at each other. It's the only way I'll ever learn French.  I am so moving to Québec by myself. You aren't coming. Whoa look at your fancy little doodad on your "e" in Quebec.   How do you do that?

3/23/2011:  What? You people thought we were talking about sex in that last post? Shame on you, you dirty-minded readers.  We were discussing street hockey.

3/23/2011: Post for today. I saw another game again.  There were two dollar hot dogs but I was too full from dinner to buy more food.  Really good crowd tonight. Nearly nine thousand. Note to Management (Hi Boss!): MAKE TICKETS LESS EXPENSIVE SO WE CAN FILL MORE SEATS REGULARLY. Sorry, hun, just had to insert that. And Hugo scored...which I was vouching for. Heehee...I just had a dirty thought. And I talked to Hugo after the game and,...what dirty things are you thinking about? Heehee.  Whoever you are thinking about better not speak French. Anyway, I happen to think that I...ME..am going to score the final winning goal tonight because all this talk of scoring is making me want to score too.  I take it you can handle a puck? I take it you can handle a stick? I take it you know how to aim for the net? Actually, I am very good at coming around from behind.  They're called wraparounds.  Well, I'm very good at them.  So in conclusion, if you count my scores tonight...the Grizzlies would have won.  In fact, I'm gonna score a hat trick tonight just to make sure the team wins next time. 

3/18/2011:  I saw my first NHL hockey game here in Calgary at the Saddledome.  They had the worst churros ever. They were dry overcooked churros.  We were running out of Canadian money and my hockey-obsessed wife over here WOULD NOT give me the last five dollar bill because it has a picture of hockey players on it.  I wish I were joking.  Manlypants, they have hockey on their money ON. THEIR. MONEY. It is too cool to spend. But I required nachos.   And the Saddledome? It is huge! And the stairs were the steepest stairs I have ever seen.  I think it must be the way Canada gets rid of their old people and drunks.  Natural selection.  You have to be very well balanced to make it up those steps.  Especially if you check out the view from the press area.  I got really bad vertigo up there. See, natural selection.  Are you saying evolution would have weeded me out? Basically, yes.  Good thing we were at bowl level in the 100 section or you would have been a goner and I would be looking for a new mate right now. Yeah, good luck with that.  Anything to say about the ACTUAL GAME?  It was short.  It was short because of the lack of fighting and penalties.  But it was cool that they had actual real flames coming out of the center thingamajiggy.  And I noticed they use olympias rather than zambonis.  Did you even WATCH the game?  Yeah. I saw a couple of ice girls go out there and shovel away all the ice shavings during time outs.  Most absurd job ever.   What?! We need to get our ice girls to do that. These Albertans have it right. MAKE EM WORK!!!  Stop dancing around where nobody sees you. Pick up a shovel and push some ice around.   Do you even know who won?  Apparently, the guys wearing the red jerseys were cheering at the end.  So.  Your deductive reasoning astounds me. 

3/17/2011:  We've spent the last week traveling to and around Calgary.  Montana is prettier than Calgary. Calgary is so much busier and "city-like" than I had imagined.  Just what were you imagining? I was imagining a lot more trees, for example. I don't know why, but I was. I figured there would be at least some trees!  But it's just open space with lots of buildings, another phallic tower, and rocks everywhere that crack windshields.  Instead of salting the roads (oh no rust!) they throw down a bunch of rocks and call it good.  Yeah, I would rather get the undercarriage washed in one of those drive-through car washes every week than replace my windshield every winter.  Giffen makes so much more sense now.  Giff?  Nyren? Yes. Do I even want to know where you are going with this train of thought? Oh, and by the way, when you cross the border and it says "MAXIMUM 100" they mean in kilometres.  Stupid metric system.  We got all excited.  We passed everyone and were laughing at allllll the slllooowwwww Canadians.  Then we realized they were just being slow law-abiding Canadians.   Also they do speak English here, but you have to listen really carefully.  You know what, I was surprised by that too. Canadians have accents! I was NOT expecting this at all.  And never ever get a headache in Canada.  Correction: never be a tall brown man with a headache in Canada.  Because, apparently, if you walk into a gas station and say you have a headache and need drugs for said headache, the people freak out and start screaming "WE NO SELL DRUGS!!!"  Which makes me wonder about the people at this particular gas station.  They were WAY too defensive about not selling drugs to not be selling drugs.  And I didn't MEAN those kinds of drugs...I was asking for tylenol.  Then you should have said "tylenol".  But if you drive by a drugstore (a.k.a. pharmacy) it says "drugstore" on the sign.  So I assumed I could use the word "drug" in a sentence and not cause people to flee the building in a panic. What else could we possibly mean when we say "I have a headache, do you have any drugs for it," ??  HAHAHAHAHAHA. What?  I'm sorry, but when you say it it does sound scary.  

3/13/2011: Today's post is 101 jokes about hair. "Hair", by the way, is a title that used to be Brock's but has now been assumed by new goalie, Tyler Sims.  He has Jesus hair.  And Jesus beard.  If you see Jesus on the ice, it's actually Sims.  Which is creepy because it's basically Jesus in a mask. We are waiting for him so he can sign a puck for "Alberta" because, according to my wife, this would be a nice birthday present for her.   Wow, Sims is taking forever.  We've seen Simon and Max and Hugo. And Matt and Marcus and Brent and Brian and Kevin.  They all said he's showering.   It's the hair. Wow, even Chris Donovan says it's the hair that's taking so long.  Well, his hair is important. It is Jesus hair...this has to be done properly. We should all understand that his hair doesn't just stay perfect on its own.  It takes skill and patience. I am running out of patience. Me too. Oh look. Custodians.  LEAVING.  How long have we been sitting here? Uh an hour? But we got lots accomplished. We just need Sims so he can sign this puck.  We wanted to get you a goalie stick, "Alberta", but there weren't any we could run away with.  How long now? You don't want to know.  I'm going to throw this puck soon.  First person to walk through that door that isn't Sims is getting a puck thrown at them.  Okay, that's it.  I'm going in there. I'm going in there, Goliath, and no one is going to stop me. I'm going in there and I'm going to take away his hairbrush, and his hair dryer, and his little rubber bands, and his hair gel, and his hair mousse, and his little hair ribbons and whatever the hell else he has that is complicating this whole process. You go girl.  But I'm still throwing this puck at someone. What? I can't go in there.  I asked Dan to go in there and pull him out of the shower by that beautiful hair, but then Dan thought I was serious.  I'm not.  I would never condone that, Tyler and Dan, we love you... But DAMMIT SIMS two hours is just WRONG.  WRONG WRONG WRONG. My hair is LONGER than yours.   And I do not take two hours to shower.  But your hair is not as beautiful as Sims. MY HAIR IS SO MUCH PRETTIER. But you don't look like Jesus.  WE ARE STILL WAITING. EVEN LOCKER ROOM MANAGER DUDE LEFT AND SAYS SIMS IS STILL IN THE SHOWER.  He has to be joking. He's not.  He's not, Goliath. Sims really has been showering for two hours. That's it..we're leaving.  "Alberta" YOU ARE GETTING A SIGNED PUCK ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.  But...you're getting it signed by me.  Think about it....it's worth more this way.  He may have hair, but I'm better looking. And I don't take over two hours to shower.  Happy Birthday!

3/12/2011:  We went to the hockey game.  And it was a good game! They destroyed us. No, I actually had a great time!! I hate you. So far, this has been the best game ever. Why do you insist on doing this? I had fun. And we lost. *glares* And it was a good game!  By the way, losing wasn't the good part.  It was just exciting.  And I also learned to never invite your coworkers to a hockey game.  You go through the trouble of getting them a deal and they bring you bad luck. 

3/11/2011:  Never watch hockey on an empty stomach. You start imagining chickens skating in front of you.  And you just want to grab them and...you know the rest.  I would totally grab them. Excuse me. You set yourself up for that one. You are so bad. Remind me why I love you? Because I'm great in bed. No, that's me. That's my line. You can't go stealing my line. Anyways, it's about time we won a game. I was getting depressed. We won one a game ago. This is hunger talking.  By the way, I endured one more day of hockey.  This is way beyond brainwashing. This is genetic reprogramming at this point.  Just think...in a few more weeks I descend into a pit of despair and you'll be free.  I feel this strong urge to agree with you and then I remember this is you...and you will find hockey somewhere.  Ohhhh street hockey. And there we go.

3/9/2011: We watched a game today and there were many fights. Reminds me of rugby again, except no one punched a ref which is what I remember happening during rugby games back home.  By the way, have I mentioned that ice hockey referees are smaller than hockey players?  I am taking this page away from you. All-in-all, hockey is starting to make more sense. you suck up. No really. It is making more sense, and if there is any common thread in all sports it's that no one likes referees. So, yes, hockey is growing on me. I've been brainwashed. Can we have sex now?  Yes.
 

3/7/2011: No hockey to watch. Yay! My wife!!! Yay husband!

3/6/2011:  Hockey is...yeah...is...just rugby on ice. And I say rugby because that's what I grew up doing and grew up watching.   I think of hockey as bored white guys (and a couple of brown and black guys) growing up in a frigid location without rugby.  They'd basically be rugby players, but they have to dress up for the climate.  My first impression of them is that they are big guys. But then they took off their pads.  And I felt sorry for them and their girlfriends if they have any.  They led me on for a while when I went to my first game...you know...all "WOW...these are big guys."  But then you meet them and you take a picture with them and a couple of them only come up to your waist or your chest (yes, I'm exaggerating, but not by much).  Don't get me wrong, they are very very physically fit guys and I admire what they do...but talk about a let down.  I don't....I don't even know where to begin with this...and yet I still love you. Remind me why? Because I'm great in bed. Oh yeah.